I want to see inside your mind.
What would I find? 

An all consuming darkness?
Feelings of loss, despair, fear
A place in which I try to grope the air
Trying to feel something solid to grasp some sense of hope
Terrifying shadows wandering wanting to feed on any ray of true happiness I may stumble upon 

A cluttered compartment?
Thoughts shoved on top of one another
Zooming quickly and collectively to the front of your brain and back again
Dark painful thoughts hidden by more jovial expressions
Quotes, random statements, songs ever on the ready to cover a serious moment 

A wall?
Built higher than any human can dream of climbing
From which I can hear a pounding
A covered past, secret fears and emotions attempting to be heard by another
Kept inside by the solid, never ending barrier
A barrier which can only be broken down by the builder 

Or perhaps only a vision of you?
Smiling to hide your insecurities
“Happiness, however feeble,” you’d whisper, “is better than vulnerability.”

 This is a ranting rambling poem that I quickly jotted down without putting too much thought into what was going on the page.  There are three people in my life that I am currently wondering if I should give up on in some fashion or another.  So that's what this poem is about.

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At what point should a person give up on another?
When I haven’t received a call in weeks?
When he refuses to spend time with me?
When he allows an outside member decide out relationship?
When he lies to me?
When he refuses to give me a straight answer? 

And what does “give up” mean?
To stop expecting a call?
To no longer want that person in my life?
To ceasing caring whether he’s around?
To shut off any feelings I may have for him?

 Finally, why am I so bad at giving up?
Why do I keep trying?
Keep calling?
Keep asking?
Keep hoping for an answer? 

You tell me.
Should I give up on you?

                I lay on my back in the freshly cut grass.  My eyes trace the outline of the cotton ball clouds above me.  The robin’s egg blue sky creates an almost golden outline around the clouds.  The sun shines brightly, warming the air.  Beside me lays the man who has occupied my thoughts the last few weeks.  I shift so my face is slightly higher than his.  His six foot tall thin figure is relaxed, his arms bent so his hands are resting under his head.  His pale lips are curled into a smile, pushing up his pink tinted cheeks.  Opening his eyes, he turns his head toward me.  With a lack of anything better to say, I cheerily utter, “Hi.”  Contently, he responds with the same.  I bring my face closer to his, staring at his lips.  Pausing for a mere second to gather my courage, I press my lips to his.  I feel his lips part, his tongue coaxes my lips to copy his movements.  Losing myself in the sensation, I feel his hand on the back of my neck, enough pressure to keep me close to him.  Slowly, I pull away and look into his bright cerulean eyes.  “So… I like you,” I say with more confidence than I feel.  Laughing, he brushes my hair away from my check and tucks it behind my ear.  “Yeah, I got that.”

                Rewind… I’d never have the guts to kiss him.  Maybe instead…

                “Hi.”  I run my fingers through his short dark brown hair on the back of his neck.  “What’s the most obvious thing you’ve been told today?” I ask.  I half listen to his answer as I think about the past few weeks.  My crush had been increasing and most likely showing more often.  A friend had begun teasing me, repeating his name to see me blush and giggle.  Apparently, I had begun to smile obnoxiously when he would grab my hand.  I had recently admitted I felt vulnerable around him.  “Want to hear something else that’s really obvious?” I said when he finished answering.  “Sure.”  “I like you.”

                Too cheesy?  Selling myself too short?  He might talk about the obviousness rather than if he likes me too.  What if…

                “Hi.”  “So, the guy that I thought likes me finally admitted that he does,” I told him.  “Really?  How’d that go?” he asked curiously.  “Well. I went to a bonfire with him.  Then when we were leaving I asked him how life was going.  He said that he was okay, but that he just found out that person hi likes, likes someone else.  And I knew he was talking about me.”  I paused, hoping he’d take the bait.  He did.  “Who do you like?”  Nervously, I made eye contact with him and said, “You, of course.”

                No, he’s too smart.  If I knew the other guy was talking about me, he’d know I am talking about him.  He’d never ask who I liked.  I could ask point blank…

                “Hi.”  I bit my lip and forced myself to ask the question.  “Can I ask you something?”  “You just did.  But you can ask another question,” he answered.  “Smart ass.”  He smiled, causing my heart to jump.  “Ok,” I said quickly. “I like you, but I don’t expect or necessarily want anything to change.  I would just like to know how you feel about me and what you want.”

                Yeah, that’d be the best way, the adult way.  But I can feel my heart beating faster, making the phrase “I like you” seem so juvenile.  So instead of acting out any of the scenarios, I lay back down and retrace the clouds.

You realize she consumes nearly every thought
Your wandering eye she seems to have caught
You smile solely because is in your presence
Within your heart her voice resonates
Your affections for her are undeniable
But you find yourself unreliable
Your heart, you only hide
From her, you attempt to divide
She could be the one for whom you are seeking
But soon away from you see will be walking
You have tucked your feeling into secrecy
And you can revel in your self fulfilling prophecy

“You are crazy.”  “Yeah, I am.  And what are you?”

                A laugh came from deep inside his chest, barely escaping his closed lips.  He touched his nose to mine and slowly traced a ring around the tip.  “I can be whatever you want me to be.”

                I smiled and turned up my chin.  He accepted the gesture, brought his lips to mine.  His lips parted, coaxing mine to do the same.  I slipped my hand onto the back of his neck and pushed his mouth closer to mine.  Slowly, he pulled his face from mine, staying inches above me.  He looked deeply into my eyes.  What was the message hidden in his eyes?  The question overcame me.  “What are you thinking?”

                The corners of his mouth turned upward.  He moved his hand to my head, ran his fingers through my hair.  “Just staring at you,” he responded and lightly kissed my forehead.  His lips once again came to mine, but he did not kiss me.  I closed my eyes, enjoying the comfort of being close to him.

                “Know what I want you to be?”  “Hmm… what?”  His response was quietly curious; it alluded to the feelings I wondered existed.

                “I want you to be mine again.”

                Silently, he looked into my eyes.  He held my gaze.  Exhaling, he whispered, “For tonight.”  I kissed him.  As we gave into our desires, I was glad for his answer.  Tonight would do.  When the sun rose, we would pretend again that we do not know each other.  But for tonight all we know is the presence of the one we can no longer love.

Those days have faded
Given way to a new life
Yet memories flood my being again
They haunt my waking thoughts
I remember his face
Glowing as I become encircled in his arms

But then I close my eyes
and drift into soft slumbers and sweet dreams 
Once again happy
I see myself silhouetted in the starlight
Peace blanketing my world
I have been restored
Then I look beside me 
And all I see is you 

Life has moved through my rolling tears
His heart concluded me unworthy
Fear replaced my love for him
Daily I search for strength
Praying I will be fully healed
Become less afraid 

But then I close my eyes
and drift into soft slumbers and sweet dreams
Once again happy
I see myself silhouetted in the starlight
Peace blanketing my world
I have been restored
Then I look beside me 
And all I see is you 

Walking through the motions of life
Questioning my past
Could I suffer that again? 

Once again happy
I see myself silhouetted in the starlight
Peace blanketing my world
I have been restored
Then I look beside me 
And all I see is you

In TE 250 (spring semester of my freshman year), we read a poem called "On The Question Of" about a woman that was asked to define her race.  The poem detailed all her ancestors and how they all varied, both in race and personality.  She wondered how she was supposed to narrow it down to only one answer.  After reading this poem, our professor asked us to write a poem with the same title and make it about someone about us.  As a freshman, I was struggling to figure out how to become an adult so I came up with "On the Quesiton of Being an Adult".  Yesterday, I reread this poem and realized how much I have changed.  So, four and a half years later, I wrote a version about who I am now, "On the Question of a Woman after College".  Both poems are below.

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On the Question of Being an Adult

A wide eyed girl, learning how the world works
A hopeless romantic, falling for her fairy-tale prince
A dancing fool
An excited woman, awaiting the day she can marry and have a family
A child, praying to make her mother proud
A girl, pained by the world’s horrors
A college student, trying to live up to her family’s accomplishments
A sensitive young lady, looking for someone to lean on
A child, smiling up at her daddy
An instructor, guiding others through tough times
A woman, wishing to be treated as such
An eighteen year old, stuck between childhood and adulthood

On the Question of a Woman after College

An educator, looking for effective methods to teach material

A friend, supporting and encouraging others

A cynic, afraid to allow herself to be vulnerable again

An artist, constructing words to convey emotions and experiences

A daughter, eternally grateful for her father’s lessons

A student, yearning to continue learning

An aunt, proudly discussing her niece and nephew

An adult, not afraid to dance in public

A woman, understanding how to negotiate a relationship with her mother

An individual, enjoying her independence

A twenty-two year old, both nervous and excited to take the next step

A young doe prances along the giant sandbox

Her hoofs sink into the yellow sand with each step,

Leaving a print in the slightly frozen sand

The brown trees watch over her and the few leaves left wave hello

Rocks shiver and shake as an ice-cold liquid gives them soft hugs

Giggling, the water turns her attention elsewhere

She gently kissed the horizon

The horizon returns the gift and tells the sky to glow its bluish-gray glow

While all this is happening, from the sky falls a fluffed powder

It lightly lands and motherly blankets the world

Rocking it to sleep in its arms

Dedicated to David Michael Firestone,

my beloved father and companion in adventure

                                                                                          Elli

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                Suddenly I was falling.  The wind blew past my body as I came closer to the ground.  I kept my eyes on the object above me.  I stretched outward, got it in my grasp, and clenched my teeth on it.  I landed and flipped onto my back, kicking the yellow feather with my hind legs.  This was my favorite toy in the world!

                “Elli, you’re crazy,” giggled the girl who lives with me.  She was looking down at me, smiling, cocking her head to the side.  Crazy?  I am simply following my nature.  Meanwhile, she tries to awkwardly walk on two legs and cover her furless body with cloth.  And she calls me crazy?!  “What?” I responded.  She shook her head and returned to talk into the phone she held to her ear.  Like usual, she began to pace as she talked.  I watched her hand move back and forth… back and forth… back and forth.  I readied myself, crouching low and putting my weight on my hind legs.  As she passed me, I jumped, catching her left hand in my front paws.  “Elli!  Stop!” she screamed.  This has become my new favorite past time, annoying the girl.  I bent down, focused on her hand again.  I followed her hand and she walked over and grabbed the pink spray bottle.  Oh shoot!  Dodging streams of water, I ran into the bedroom.  After I heard her set the bottle down, I meandered back out.

                She was putting shoes on her feet.  “I’ll be back later, Elli,” she told me.  Silly girl.  Probably out with the male humans she occasionally brings home.  I hoped she was going out with the fuzzy one.  I liked him.  He pet me, calling me “Taco”.  Strange, but kind.  He’s nice to the girl so I am ok with him.  I wondered when she’d be home.  Most likely passed our bedtime… again.

                I hopped up to my view of the world.  I could see the pine tree, the needles scattered on the ground.  Squirrels ran in front of the tree and birds perched themselves on branches in the pine.  I continually try to get to them, but have not been successful.  This clear hard thing blocks my way, the girl calls it a “windoe”.  I have been working on digging my way out.  Sometimes I manage to escape when the girl comes home, but she always catches me and brings me hack inside.  All I want is to play and explore for a while.  Instead, she insists on keeping me locked inside.

                About a year ago, I came to stay with this girl.  My old human was male.  He was nice, woke up when I did, roughly 5 AM… the best hunting hour.  Then he started to bring a female human around.  She rarely pet me, always sneezed and rubbed her eyes a lot.  I don’t know what her problem was.  One day, I was put in the car and we took a trip.  That’s when I met the girl.  She wrapped me in her arms, kissed the top of my head, pet me and took me to another car.  Unlike the other one, she let me walk around the car, rather than putting me in a crate.  I asked her many times where were going, who she was, and where my old human was.  She just repeated, “It’s ok,” and “I’ve got you.  I trusted her, thought she wanted to keep me safe.

                Since then, we have lived together.  She is good about feeding me when I tell her to, she cleans my litter box, and gives me a lot of attention.  Another good thing is that she realized that I have control.  She tries to yell at me, but usually lets me do what I want in the end.